Of course I had to reference a Julie Andrews song in the title. It just makes sense to me...
Four or five years old, wearing my Mom's red high-heels, running around the house at 7:00 in the morning, and pretending I was She-Ra. At that point, I didn't know I was "different". I was innocent, comfortable in my own skin. I was an odd kid, a little wise for my age, but still so very immature. I was the last of my group, to really grow up and stop playing with toys, and watching kiddie cartoons. Hell, I still collect action figures, and LOVE watching cartoons.
Early on, I had a great imagination. I was always pretending to be a Thunder Cat, a Ghostbuster, and at times, a fearless member of Scooby's detective squad. Sometimes, my friends and I would even role play in adult situations, not overly sexual, but that always played a part.
During my adolescent years, my Mom and I moved around a bit. She married her second Husband, and we moved from my first house, my first school, and my friends. The situation wasn't the greatest, as I always felt like there were two relationships in that house. My Mom and I, and Brenda (Mom) and her Husband. We were never the picture perfect family, although, I think everyone tried pretty hard.
After they divorced, we lived in two apartments, and with my grandparents, within a three year period. We finally found ourselves in our own place, with our own things, and didn't have to rely on anyone. Although I was starting my rebellious years, I was happy, and my Mom was self sufficient. While we were not very close, and fought like cats and dogs, this is the time when I really started to appreciate all my Mom did for me, for her, for our own little family.
A few years after moving in, the man who would be Husband number three came along, and that is really when life got tough. For so many reasons, I felt like everything was different, and in a very bad way. I was growing up, a little too quickly, worrying about my Mom, her relationship, her happiness, and focusing less on being a kid.
At first, things were good. Fun, light, happy, and it was the life that I think she and I always wanted. Over the next four or five years, which were my high school years, I found myself confused, scared, embarrassed, and tried more than anything to hide the person that I knew I was.
There were so many times, that things would get out of hand, arguments would be started for the sole purpose of drama, and they would end with #3 threatening to kick my ass in the front yard, or calling me a faggot... Needless to say, those comments, coupled with rumors and bullying at school, forced me to remain in the closet for years to come.
In November of my Junior year, I found a job with a local insurance company, setting appointments in the call center. The hours were perfect, it was a mom and pop operation, and most importantly, it gave me a reason to be out of the house in the evenings.
I formed many great relationships there, most of which have dissipated, but they helped me to become the person that I am today. I guess, the most important relationship was with my co-worker, and her Husband. Within a couple of months, I was spending weekends with them, drinking, smoking, and living like life was just a game. I would blow my paychecks on booze, clothes, fast food, and cigarettes. It was nothing to stay up until four in the morning, and go into work, half drunk, at eight.
Over time, things happened (which I will discuss at a later time) which led into an affair with my co-worker, drama with her Husband, and the separation of their family. Her Husband moved to London to be with a girl he met online, and I felt like I was left in a position to care for this woman, and her son who at the time was six years old. In my mind, I was the cause of this breakup, and I needed to step up, be a man, and do the right thing.
Over time, I began to care deeply about her and her son, and they became my family. We lived together, ate together, I did home work with my new "son", and we tucked him into bed every night.
It wasn't until many years later, that I looked back at the situation, and realized how absolutely terrible everything was, and wished I would have done everything differently. I'm sure I will touch on that at a later time also.
When I was nineteen, we found out that we were expecting a baby. A baby?!?! While this was exciting, and really what I wanted, I was anxious and scared, happy and joyful at the same time. Our daughter arrived in December of 2001, and that is when my life took a turn for the better. I didn't know a thing about raising a baby, and relied on her mother way too much. I assumed that she knew what she was doing, but not so much.
As this blog is meant to be more entertaining, than emotional, I don't want to give too many details, and bore you to death. What I will say, is that my daughter is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and the reason why I am still alive today. She showed me what it was like to really love, to really understand life, and how to be a better person. I love you with all of my heart!!!
About two years after her birth, I couldn't hide who I was anymore. I think I always knew I was gay. In fact, I was sure of it. I came out to my wife, yes we married, and we talked for what seemed like days. We agreed to try and make things work. After all, in my mind, being gay was only about who you were physically attracted to.
Over the next few years, things were good, bad, happy, scary, confusing and downright wrong at times. When our daughter was six, and her son fourteen, we had hit rock bottom, and I moved in with the man who is now my Husband, and the love of my life. My daughter is with us full time, and we are the happiest little modern family.
I really hope you will take the time to visit my blog now and then, and read about the issues that come up in our lives, whether they be family, friendly, religious or political. We are your very average family, with a couple of minor differences.
Because of the current views on our relationship, family status, equal rights, and freedoms, this may not be the set of stories for you. I only hope to share our lives, our journey, and our love with people in the same situation, or those struggling to understand it.
The Not So Radical Gay
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